The String Cheese Experiment, Pt. 4: A Streetcar Named Disgust

It's that time again!

I am still terrible at updating this blog, so I figured it was time to bring back an old standby: Mr Steven Pam (from the Australia) was gracious enough to give me some random titles of nonexistent movies, and I am going to create something from nothing for your entertainment. Also, today I got a shiny new laptop and want to take it for a spin!

For the sake of the viewing public (and the fact that we have been through this song and dance before) I will add a level of difficulty to this endeavour; both titles have something in common with an already existing movie, but I will make none of the synopses even close to original subject matter. That would be lazy. And I am not laz- oh, yes I am. Lazy. Super lazy. But one has to draw the line somewhere, so why not here, on an issue that means totally nothing?

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101 Standard Poodles
The President is in danger! After a routine traffic stop, the Secret Service have deduced that the President's next public appearance at the Dallas Bounce Sheet Hall of Fame will have a tragic ending; assassination is afoot! The only clue the authorities have is a lone hair fibre: that of a purebred poodle. With only hours to find the potential killer among Dallas' 100-poodle population, the government turns to a hero it previously discarded: CUDDLES. Cuddles thought his war was over, but with the fateful hour drawing near, he is the Man's furry secret weapon... for who better to track down a brainwashed homicidal poodle than...another poodle? Is Cuddles up to the challenge? Is his new obnoxious partner Kosmo playing both sides? Will the decidedly feline demons of his past stay buried? Will his failure to save a septuagenarian named Irma from choking on a piece of carrot cake come back to haunt him?
ACTION. 
SUSPENSE. 
AN UNCOMFORTABLE AMOUNT OF BUTT-SNIFFING. 
THIS IS THE CANINE THRILL-RIDE YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE WAITING FOR.

Pride and Vegemite
What would you do if you couldn't lose? What would you do if the world was sort of yours?
Jerry Bennington thinks there are no more surprises in life; he has a regular job, a regular girlfriend, a regular dog, and a regular bathroom schedule. Little does he know that all these things were going to be flipped UPSIDE DOWN after he tried Vegemite for the first time! Part of a rare genetic bloodline that derives super-powers from common Vegemite spread, Jerry discovers he has the rare ability to correct grammar and spelling FLAWLESSLY in everyone around him!! Pretty soon, the aforementioned job, girlfriend, and dog are LONG gone, and the constant consumption of Vegemite takes its toll; what can a man do with a flawless vocabulary and grasp of the English language, but no creative skills? Especially when he can't stray far from a latrine? After a couple of unfortunate game show incidents, Jerry is about to lose hope, until a mysterious stranger shows up to his home with a proposition; become a copy editor for a local tourist website! 
The attainable, anticlimactic adventure of the autumn is HERE!!!

*What, you were expecting The Avengers?
He's a full-grown adult with a permanent case of the runs, and his power is SPELLING; I dare you to do better.*

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And there we are!
It felt good to flex the creative muscles again. I will try to be a bit more regular from here on out... Not like,Vegemite Regular... just regular.

Until Next Time,

Jared

What I'm listening to:
I've been a huge fan of Matthew Perryman Jones for a while now; just an amazing and prolific singer/songwriter from the States. He just released a new EP called Cold Answer on July 17, and it has been playing on repeat the whole time I have been writing this post.
Also, I just picked up a couple of new bands recently that are great summer music, so I am pushing three picks! It's been a while. Humor me.

Artist: Matthew Perryman Jones

Album: Cold Answer
Award: Most Likely To Make You Rethink Your Life

Artist: Misterwives

Album: Our Own House
Award: Most Likely To Make You Unashamedly Sing the WOO Part In the Car
Secondary Award: Best Summer Jams Pick

Artist: Myzica

Album: Myzica - EP
Award: Bringing Back 80's Pop with Contemporary Style

Thursday Evenings with John Mayer

So... I'm back. I was just wistfully thinking about the blog yesterday, and about how I missed it... and then I realized I have complete control of the situation. And thus... the below.


The conversation I had with John Mayer whilst driving in my car tonight:


JOHN MAYER:

Who says I can't get stoned?

Turn off the lights and the telephone;

Me in my house alone...

Who says I can't get stoned?

ME: The POLICE, John. The police say you can't get stoned.


JOHN MAYER:

Who says I can't be free?

From all of the things that I used to be

Rewrite my history

Who says I can't be free?


ME: TWITTER, JOHN. Twitter is why you can't rewrite the past. The sheer size and volume of offensively ignorant things you have said on Twitter makes this impossible, I am afraid.

JOHN MAYER: ...

ME: Yeeeah... I'm just the messenger, buddy.

What I am listening to right now: Guess. 

Until Next time,

Jared

The Hounds of Winter/Monday Morning Whine-A-Thon

So My Beautiful Wife is gone. For Eight Days. Which will be the longest we have been apart in fifteen- and-a-half years of marriage. 

In recognition of the fact that there literally billions of people in the world right now who have it WAY worse than I do, I will NOT go on ceaselessly about how everything is better when she is around, or about how she lights up a room by entering it, or any of those other COMPLETELY TRUE sentiments;

Instead, I will just post the lyrics to an outstanding Sting song that encapsulates my feelings on the subject pretty accurately... And bleakly. The song is from the Sting Golden Era, which consisted of the best two albums of his career: Ten Summoner's Tales, and the follow up, Mercury Falling. This is from Mercury Falling.

Buy the album.

Wallow with me.

The Hounds of Winter

Mercury falling

I rise from my bed,

Collect my thoughts together

I have to hold my head

It seems that she's gone

And somehow I am pinned by

The Hounds of Winter

Howling in the wind

I walk through the day

My coat around my ears

I look for my companion

I have to dry my tears

It seems that she's gone

Leaving me too soon

I'm as dark as December

I'm as cold as the Man in the Moon

I still see her face

As beautiful as day

It's easy to remember

Remember my love that way

All I hear is that lonesome sound

The Hounds of Winter

They follow me down

I can't make up the fire

The way that she could

I spend all my days

In the search for dry wood

Board all the windows and close the front door

I can't believe she won't be here anymore

I still see her face

As beautiful as day

It's easy to remember

Remember my love that way

All I hear is that lonesome sound

The Hounds of Winter

They follow me down

A season for joy

A season for sorrow

Where she's gone

I will surely, surely follow

She brightened my day

She warmed the coldest night

The Hounds of Winter

They got me in their sights

I still see her face

As beautiful as day

It's easy to remember

Remember my love that way

All I hear is that lonesome sound

The Hounds of Winter

They harry me down.

Until next time, 

Jared

I'm coming back.

Just you wait. My Beautiful Wife is leaving for THREE WHOLE MONTHS to finish her schooling, and I will be left to my own devices for the larger bulk of that time...

...And being left to my own devices, if you will remember, is the reason this blog started in the first place.

Expect posts.

And abject depression and misery.

...
...
...
... Mostly the misery thing.

Jared

Listening to:

The sound of my own blood pumping through my ear canal veins.

I've been cheating on you.

That's right, Blogger... My last post was not by accident; I did indeed redirect my readers to a Wordpress site: www.whisperedwords.ca.

That's right... WORDPRESS.

I have been blogging on Wordpress on the side for a while now. I am tired of living the lie, so I posted that last link to just get it out there. I enjoy Wordpress. I have had a taste of Wordpress' features, and have found that it pleases me in some ways that you cannot, Blogger. There is a level of customization available on Wordpress that you just can't match, with your HTML copy-and-paste scripts and your trial and error philosophy. Also, Wordpress cooks better, and anticipates my needs before I even think of them!

To be honest, I feared Wordpress at first- I feared what would happen if you found out that I was "Wordpressing" on the side, but when I sampled Wordpress' wares, I was hooked.

I don't know what to say, other than the truth: WP is better for my music site. My band needs the kind of customization that you can't give, so I had to go somewhere else to be satisfied.

I didn't mean to hurt you. In fact, I still like your Google-centric focus and ease of updating from mobile devices (even if the media add options are a tad stingy), and for my little humor blog, you work just fine... uncomplicated to update and share. But that just isn't enough for me any more. A more robust website needs a more robust blog system with crisp, adaptable templates, and you just didn't have it. So I had to go elsewhere.

I am sorry it had to go this far and be so public, but I had to get your attention, didn't I? We haven't seen each other much as of late, and I wanted to make sure we are clear; I will still blog on you. I just need to see other bloggers for my band-related needs. It's not you... it's me.

Until next time,

Jared

BIG news on the horizon! Also, adorable cat picture. » Whisperedwords.ca

BIG news on the horizon! Also, adorable cat picture. » Whisperedwords.ca

Ten hours better spent...

Greetings!


*NERD ALERT*


I recently tried to watch the first Peter Jackson Hobbit movie for the second time, and realized that, despite the fact that I love the source material and the way Jackson made Middle Earth come to life... That movie was not very well made, pacing-wise. It was padded pretty substantially to make three movies happen, and it felt like it. I also was thinking about the stories told about what the third film is going to look like; it will be the Battle of the Five Armies, and then will bridge the gap between the Hobbit movies and the Lord of the Rings.

UNNECESSARY.

That bridging has already been done IN THE EXISTING FILMS IN A NUMBER OF WAYS. You know how this time could be better spent? This:

My beloved 50th anniversary edition of the Hobbit, with beautiful paintings by Michael Hague for illustration. I have read this so many times I lost count. My mom gave it to me when I was eight!


Just read the Hobbit book! It will take you less than the ten cumulative hours it takes to watch these movies, and tells the story in the much-beloved charming Tolkien fashion; No ridiculously drawn-out sword battles and really bloody weird obese Orc songs, no forty-minute supper scene, no manufactured cliffhangers or Big Bads created specifically to fill time...

Again, I do dig that we have Tolkien on the screen at all... But between the six endings of Return of the King and the "supper in Bag End" scene in the first Hobbit film ALONE, somebody's gotta tell Peter to stop. He made a mess of the Two Towers and created a Nazgul/Frodo confrontation that NEVER happened, simply to give a movie that already had an AMAZING set piece and conflict resolution with the Battle of Helm's Deep another conflict and resolution. And what was that conflict and resolution? Let's see...

Frodo is tired. Frodo wants to put the ring on. Frodo knows he shouldn't put the ring on. But Frodo REALLY wants to put the ring on! Oh no, a flying whatchamacallit! ...now Frodo REALLY really wants to put that ring on! But he doesn't. Conflict over. Movie finished. My forbearance: also finished!
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Dear Peter Jackson,
Tolkien actually DID create a cliffhanger ending for The Two Towers; It was the part where Sam thinks Frodo is dead, takes the sword and ring, and leaves on his own to complete the mission. That cliffhanger KILLED me when I was a kid. It would have been perfect. Why you gotta disrespect, Pete?

Love,
Jared
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Rant complete. Maybe now that it's out on paper, My Beautiful Wife will never have to hear it again?

... Meh, probably not. I'm diabolical that way.



Until next time,

Jared