Excuses, Excuses

So I've been gone for a while;

I was out of town.

I was busy saving the local squirrels from their chipmunk oppressors.

I had the measles on just my tongue.

I contracted Spanish Flu in a foreign country that was NOT of Spanish origin.

I was stung by a bee that had rabies, and flown by medevac chopper to a specialist in Dallas, Texas, who pronounced me dead on arrival. I was subsequently resurrected by a voodoo priest who instantly regretted it once I started talking, and dumped me in the swamp; I swam home just now.

I heard someone I know had chicken pox, and seeing as I have never had it, I hid in my basement until yesterday, gradually thawing meat from the freezer, heating it up in the dryer, and eating it a little bit at a time.

I was hypnotized by my iPad into robbing several convenience stores, only to eventually take control of my body again and take so many horrific pictures of Rob Schneider movies that the iPad's camera killed itself to escape the pain. The rest of the iPad soon followed as the Schneider rot overtook it in a gangrenous fashion.

I was spirited away to a movie festival where the star of a little-foreign-film-that-could conscripted me as his bodyguard and had me follow him around a room whilst not wearing normal pants.

I ate a rare african beetle that gave me useless super powers. Hilarity ensued.

I held a pair of scissors at my throat, threatening to cut my beard off... to an empty room. It ended in a stalemate- the empty room's negotiation techniques were not to be underestimated.

I applied a screen protector to my face, and I don't give off as much glare in sunlight anymore. I am also protected from scratches by keys, change, and the like.

I was genuinely frightened to death by a Facebook post about how the world is like, being so screwed up by like, the oil companies, you guys....

I drove to Canmore, Alberta, and acted like a jerk to a duck. (That one's for you, Steven)

I got involved in a high-stakes poker game where underwear was the ONLY currency. Hilarity did not ensue.

I asked a passing stranger if he had seen my mother, and then snuck into his car's trunk when he wasn't looking. After a lengthy nap, I woke up in Iowa. Strangely enough, I had a "CUSTOMS APPROVED" sticker attached to my sleeve when I awoke.

I joined a circus where the people all suffered from social maladies instead of physical ones. Highlights: "The Incredible Flop-Sweat at Birthdays Man", and the "Woman With the High-Pitched Nervous-Sounding Laughter At the Office Party". Also the "Guy Who Really Hated All the Unnecessary Changes Made for the Screen in the Lord Of The Rings Movies". I soon left, because I "Can't Stand Circuses and Fairs and Must Tell Everyone Within Earshot Loudly If The Topic Arises."

I was on vacation.

Until next time,
Here's to you, Big Shooter:

A Stand-offish Sort of Cooing

I just had an encounter with a pigeon, and I am pretty sure that by the end, that pigeon bore me ill will. And so...

Pigeon Religion: A Haiku

Rat of the sky, your
Sarcastic coo-mockery
Bites deep, you coo-jerk.

...AhTHANK you.

Regards,

Jared

What I am listening to:

Artist: Derek Webb

Album: I Was Wrong, I'm Sorry & I Love You

Derek Webb has always been prolific, and this album is no exception. It is also the anniversary of his first solo album- She Must and Shall Go Free. His message takes new forms, but remains the same at the core- redemption is not something we can do, or sell, or buy; it comes from one man alone, and that is the person of Jesus Christ. 

I love this guy's stuff so much that I bought the DELUXE deluxe package from his website for this new album- digital download, autographed CD, t-shirt, coffee mug, stickers, audio commentary, video, I think maybe some buttons... and a few more things. It cost me 50 bucks. Totally worth it. I need him to keep making music, so he can have my money. I saw him in concert (he visited Saskatoon of all places!) and he was a humble and genuine guy with an easy laugh, but with a sharp tongue for those who would use Christ as a marketing tool. He is who he is, and that guy is someone whose music I will always follow.

The String Cheese Experiment, Pt. 3: Dark of the Moon

• Welp, this blog just passed 2000 HITS while I was being lazy and not blogging regularly on my vacation time!!
  
  To celebrate, I am going to bring back the "Give me a movie title and I invent a synopsis from scratch" game!! I asked the intrepid Australian Stallion, Mr. Steven Pam, for some more titles, he kindly obliged, and I picked my favorites and went nuts.  For those just joining us who have not seen this little game before, go to here and here to brush up a bit before we proceed.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  "An Edumacation" 
  It's not easy being a kid, and little Donny Marcus has had enough. He is starting his own school for kids his age, where the teachers are kids too, and the rules are open to interpretation! Donny Marcus was a normal kid with normal problems until his next door neighbour kicked the bucket, setting off a wacky chain of events! Old Mrs.Crowley was a chain-smoking, hard-case 96-year-old who lived only for her cats, and left her sizable fortune to Mr. Peepers, her overweight tabby; A story we've all seen before... But wait!

   *record scratch* 

  What happens when Mr. Peepers dies, and leaves HIS fortune to Donny, the kid who always fed him tuna?!? What to do with over 40 MILLION dollars? Why, buy your own school, where the teachers are kids, homework doesn't exist, and bullies have to spend lunchtime in the "Wedgie Machine!! But what happens when the adults catch on to where their kids are going every day? 
  
  

  "Bill Clinton's Love Child"
   In the tradition of "Dreamgirls", this rollicking tale gives us a peek into the world of an R&B sensation! When Jimmy, Jack, Ricky, and John were in college, all they dreamt about was meeting the girl-group Destiny's Child; they ate, drank, and slept the entire Destiny's Child catalogue. They even went so far as to form an awkward all-male Destiny's Child cover band! Well, back that thing up...

  *record scratch* 

  ...because dreams DO come true! After Jack wins front row tickets to a Destiny's Child reunion concert, the boys get their chance, and the new all-boy girl band Bill Clinton's Love Child is born!  See them go big with their first hit single "Pop My Collar", and the controversy that surrounds the pro-upper-middle-class-white-male anthem! Meet their mostly Japanese fanbase! See them spiral out of control into excess, culminating in the infamous VH1 Music Awards speech and subsequent "mooning" incident that gave them their bad-boy reputation...all up-close and personal!
  
  "Where In The World is Edwin Carter III?"
  Edwin Carter is just, y'know, this guy, and his friends are like, "Where is he", and "We haven't heard from him, and his cell phone goes straight to voicemail", and "He hasn't shown up to his job at Starbucks for a week, and that's not like him". They're also like "His bank accounts haven't been touched, and we went to his place to check on him 'cause we are kind of getting concerned now, and his plants were dead, and his cat seemed like it hadn't eaten for days". Also, his mom was like "I don't know where my baby boy is, and why haven't you people done anything to find him", and the police are like, "We suspect foul play, and anyone with information needs to come forward immediately"...
  
  So yeah... 

  *record scratch* 

  ...Pretty sure that guy's dead in a ditch somewhere.

  
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  
  ...And that's it for round three of the Synopsis Game!!! These are getting harder every time! Whew!
  
  I love you all for reading and validating me, and here's to another 2000 hits! I swear I will update more regularly from here on out,
  
  Jared
  
  
  I am listening to: The Civil Wars.
  

  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Both albums.
  I was apparently the last person on earth to discover how good they are. I am more than a little ashamed, and bummed, as they have already broken up!
  
  
  

  

  Mr. Peepers

  
  

BGVs AWAAAAAAY!!!

Happily, I just got finished hearing someone who is much better than me add their voice to my album.

Julia Dawn is a local singer/songwriter who has also worked with my own current personal hero (Colin Richet of Revelation Studios). We attend the same church, and have gotten to make music together a lot in the last while; most recently, I have been singing with her team at church, and she backed me up on piano and sweet harmonies when I recently performed a song from the upcoming EP called We Come To You.

Check out Julia's blog here.

I will be having another very talented friend named Chelsea Boyd come in to add vocals as well later, and I expect to be just as disappointed in myself when I hear her sing my stuff as I was today hearing Julia. The whole time I was thinking "what if she just sang ALL the songs herself?" She will be modest, of course, but Julia has a killer set of pipes, and hearing her in the mix just brought it up to another level. She will be a listed guest vocalist on two of the songs: Face of Him and We Come To You, and I am so flattered that she respects my music and wanted to be an ongoing part of it!
After recording was done, Colin and Julia and I were listening to another artist that Colin is working with. After it was done playing, I interrupted the conversation to say,

"Hey guys... I am gonna be real here for a moment. If you are really honest with yourselves, can you admit that sometimes, when you hear someone who has that much talent, you just kind of want to stuff them into a potato sack and drown them in the river? ...Just a bit? Because there can only be so much talent in the world, and they are hogging more than their fair share?"

I got some weird looks from the room at that point, I don't mind telling you.
That is the kind of day it has been.

I am currently listening to two albums manically:
Artist: Abandoned Pools
Album: Somnambulist
Yes, the album title means "a sleepwalker". This is a bit of a departure from his previous album (a lot of the harder edges toned down), but is still an amazing introspective album with reflections on opportunities squandered and the road not taken. Thoughtful stuff, and well crafted.
Highlights: Focus, If Only

Artist: OneRepublic
Album: Natives
Just gold all the way through. Ryan Tedder samples a ton of different styles and genres, but still manages to make a cohesive LONG album. The steady beats punctuate the earnest and sometimes tongue in cheek lyrics.
Highlights: Most of the bloody album, but if I absolutely HAVE to pick... Counting Stars, What You Wanted, Can't Stop, Burning Bridges, Preacher... Seriously. Buy this album.

Radio Woe

I just heard the WORST SONG EVER, and after incredulously sitting through the whole thing, it was no surprise to me whatsoever that it was done by that meathead Toby Keith. This is not only everything wrong with country music, but might actually be everything wrong with ALL music. It is that terrible. 

It is so bad that I want to go and illegally download a million copies of his album, just to hurt his intellectual  property somehow. Though now that I say it, this could not in any sense of the word be called "intellectual".

I am so mad this exists that I want to punch a kitten.

I am going to post the link, but with a disclaimer: if you like kittens, do not click this link.

http://youtu.be/HxUuDPNbkJk

The Contest Completed*

We met our goal!

Between the Indiegogo project and some direct donations, we now have a fully-funded CD project, with the ability to make full cover art and design and get CDs printed!!! Thanks so much to everyone who donated, and know that I will put the money to use in making a great final product!!! Thanks also to Colin, my illustrious producer and friend, who suggested I try this route in the first place!!

I had been struggling with the concept of essentially hitting up friends and family for cash ( I still am, a little), but he and My Beautiful Wife encouraged me to not undervalue my art, and realize that y'all will invest in seeing this happen only if you want to!! To relieve my burgeoning guilt, I even left it generally alone for a couple weeks, as I figured I had social-media-bombed everyone quite enough... 

So there it is;  Whispered Words: The Revelation Sessions E.P. is fully funded, and now I can just concentrate on making sure I stay true to the vision Colin and I have for this album.  I will thank you in advance for your patience, as Colin and I are also very particular people where quality is concerned, and are spending a little more time on it than originally planned. I had planned to be able to release the advance digital version to everyone who donated in early July, but the availability of some amazing people to contribute to the recording, as well as some additional sound tweaking made it a no-brainer to take a bit more time and get a better result. I am so excited to have some local talent (Julia Dawn and Chelsea Boyd) to add their vocal depth to my little E.P., and cannot wait to hear how they sound!!

In the meantime, I will keep everyone updated, but thankfully, no more pleading for cash in relation to the music project...

...

...

... I will probably still need bail money, though; I recently ripped the tags off of several pillows and a mattress in my residence.  I am told that is very bad, and that certain authorities may get involved.

So yeah... bail.

Ciao!

Jared

*Extra bonus points for everyone who knew that was a song title; your reward is an almost hipster-level feeling of smug superiority. For everyone else, don't even bother looking it up... I'm SO over it already.

Music Music Music

As I write this, there are only 29 hours left for you all to donate to the Indiegogo project that is funding the completion of my debut album, under the band name Whispered Words. This album has been a labor of love that has brought new insight to my songwriting, has solidified a fledgling friendship with Colin, my producer, and has been fulfilling me as an artist so much that I cannot express it.

The aforementioned Indiegogo project was a rather vulnerable experiment for me, as I do not have an established fanbase yet, as I do not have any albums yet, and therefore do not have a solid fanbase to guarantee the funding of the first album... it is circular, and depended largely on people giving to an as-yet-unknown entity. I was worried, and scared of the rejection of not having any donations at all!

It made it all the more special, then, when people started to donate. I want to thank those of you who have already donated and encourage anyone else who is willing but has been procrastinating or putting it off to go to the project website below and listen to the songs in the "Gallery" section, and see if you feel you want to still donate to make it happen. As it is, I won't be recouping any of the production costs, but we are VERY close to covering the cost of getting actual CD's cut and printed professionally, which was my primary goal.
If you simply cannot donate, please consider giving your support in other ways! Post the link to the site on your blog or Facebook page, go to the Facebook band page and "Like" it! Link to this blog from yours! Anything you do is appreciated and is a blessing to me.

Once more: http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/whispered-words-the-revelation-sessions-e-p/x/2345013?c=gallery

Thanks so much!!

Jared

P.S. More humor and fart jokes next week. I promise. ;)