Hairy Houdini

This is a true story.

I just got home from work. I came in the door, let the dog out of the kennel, gave him a scratch and a "good boy!", put him back in the kennel, latched it, and took a ten minute shower (for me, this is BIG. I do not shower for fun; I shower to get clean and get out. My dad instilled a healthy fear of ballooning water bill costs from an early age). I finished the shower, grabbed a towel, and then heard the strangest thing: the clack of pooch nails on the kitchen and dining room laminate. I called the dog's name, and heard a little whine. What the heck?!? How did he get out?

Brief disclaimer, for those of you who know me well: No, My Beautiful Wife and I have not purchased a pooch; This is not my dog.

This dog is a loaner.

Anyway, I went to investigate, and sure enough, there was Bently the Beagle, trying to look innocent while clearly on the lam. He might as well have been wearing an adorable little prison uniform. I looked in his eyes; He was swimming in guilt. I said his name in a disappointed tone, and he hung his head and slunk guiltily back to the kennel. I checked the kennel latches and was not able to ascertain how he escaped, so I hatched a plan: lock him back inside, double-check the locks, go find a seat on the stairs, and see what happens.

Five minutes later, it happened again. A thunking sound, the patter of little paws on laminate, and he poked his head around the corner of the dining room, peering into the darkness of the stairwell. He undoubtedly spied me trying to blend in... Doggie night vision is better than mine. This time, however, a triumphant air accompanied him. "You know what," I thought, "let the dog have his secrets. After all, magicians are supposed to guard their best tricks." I gave him a scratch, some food, and let him up on the couch to rest his head on my lap. After all, the only other alternatives:

1. Upon further investigation, discover that I cannot even latch a dog cage reliably and should therefore not be allowed to use forks to eat, lest I accidentally stab myself in the eye.

2. Upon further investigation, discover without a doubt that I did indeed latch the dog cage reliably, and be confronted with the awful truth about which of the two of us is the smarter.

As I scratch him behind the ears and he rolls over and presents his belly for further demonstration of affection, it occurs to me that the stalemate isn't such a bad option.

Fin.


What I am listening to:
Song: Flutter Girl
album: Euphoria Morning
Artist: Chris Cornell

This album is the first solo effort from Chris Cornell, and remains the best. Soundgarden had just broken up, and Chris was looking to distance himself stylistically. What came of it was an eclectic yet bluesy, vocally-driven tour de force. With the exception of Soundgarden's seminal album SUPERUNKNOWN, this remains his best work. And the VOICE... Chris Cornell is still bar none the best rock singer on the planet.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Lynd Cres,Saskatoon,Canada

Sad days...

So the Boston Marathon was bombed.

In an effort to counter my thoughts turning towards hatred over the Boston bombings, I found a random person and gave them a heartfelt compliment. In this case, I just told the man who was cleaning the bathroom in the mall how much I appreciate his work on a daily basis. The big grin on his face as I left was totally worth it. Let's mourn evil, but spread love today. Anyone with me?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:21st St W,Saskatoon,Canada

The String Cheese Experiment, pt. deux

It appears I have been challenged! The gauntlet has been thrown down in the comments by +Steven Pam  (check out his blog!) the Australian Stallion himself, and I have three new imaginary movie synopses to write. This all started with an earlier post that I had a lot of fun with.

For any others of you out there with bright ideas, feel free to do the same! I check the comments all the time, and if you leave me some suggestions, I will gleefully continue this series.

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Movie: "The Bicycle Chronicles"

When twenty-something identical twins Marcy and Nancy set out to use their quick wits, good looks, and lower body strength to start up a tandem-bike courier service, they had no idea what they were in for! One day, they are competing (on a tandem bike) for the affection of the dreamy bellhop at the Waldorf-Astoria downtown, and the next, they're running for their lives (on a tandem bike) from the Russian Mob! Who will the cute bellhop choose to date? Will they clear their overhead costs and actually make a profit with such a bad business model (seriously, a tandem bike)? Will they figure out what is in the package the Russian Mob is so eager to get their hands on? Why the heck haven't they opened it already? And does the bellhop even know he's been talking to two different women?


Movie: "My Grandmother Was an Octopus"

Never before has a film focused so closely on the hurly-burly, fast-paced, debauched and edgy world of sports team mascots! In this real-life look at the ups, downs, pitfalls, delights, and hilarities of modern mascot work, we follow Della; a woman on the verge of retirement, and what it means to her to put on a foam octopus suit and cheer loudly at high school football games! We see early footage of her machiavellian meteoric rise through the ranks of the early cheerleading pioneers, her move to "foam work", and the true story behind the flaming hoop point-fixing scandal that rocked the (mascot) world! Will Della ever regain her former glory? Are her days of not... quite... nailing the trampoline dunk and being hit in the head with corn dogs and old fruit behind her?


Movie: "It's My Party, And I'll Rock Back and Forth Incessantly If I Want To"

It's the last day of school, and Rick Parker's plan is solid: throw a rager that his small hick town has never seen the likes of!! All the perfect party pieces are in place!
Parents out of town: Check.
Entire senior class attending: Check.
Spiked punch: Check.
The brainy girl of his dreams that he hasn't had the guts to ask out until tonight: Check.
Lovable nerds who can't wait to crash the party: Check.
Untested retro ska band: Check.
All these things will lead to a night that Rick will never forget, with just one unexpected twist:
Rick is actually locked up in an institute for the criminally insane.
ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE PIECES OF HIS TWISTED, FRACTURED PSYCHE.
That's right...
THIS JUST GOT REAL.
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Well, there you have it! That was too much fun. Thanks for the inspiration, Steve!!

I also just today learned how to add links to my posts, and will be exercising my link prerogative from here on out. I have gone back and added useful links to my older posts, as well, so feel free to go back, re-read, and check out a link or two on the earlier ones.

I will be back soon with a post about something exciting that is happening in my life later this week! Really pumped!

To any other people out there with websites or blogs, send me a note to check out your page! If I dig it, I will link it and try to help drive your traffic as well. Share and share alike.


What I am listening to:
I am STILL listening to Matthew Mayfield.
I cannot turn it off. Have you not checked him out yet? If not... Get on that.


Jared

Things You Cannot Do When You Have Inexplicably Injured Your Neck

1. Sleep. There is no physical ailment you can have that cannot be made 50 times worse by not being able to get more than an hour of accumulated shuteye in a night.

2. Achieve an even semi-comfortable position, whether currently vertical or horizontal.

3. Hold a book comfortably.

4. Reach for the remote without yelping in pain like one of those small annoying dogs.

5. Enjoy food.

6. Enjoy watching old Star Trek on Netflix.

7. Enjoy watching NEWER Star Trek on Netflix.

8. Okay, enjoy watching really anything.

9. Also, video games are right out.

10. Okay, this could go on forever, so I will just say that this sucks and that all I can really do right now is sit in an awkward position in the exact centre of my couch and type on the iPad. Briefly.

11. Please send help.