Wednesday, 5 June 2013

My Stand-In

I have decided that I will hire a chunky, redheaded, only-slightly-balding, verbose, grossly overconfident actor to take my place at sundry events in my life. I am stretched too thin, and this appeals to me for many different reasons:

1. Going to events I only sort-of want to go to:

That family reunion you dread because you punched your cousin that one time after a heated game of Mah Jongg? The uncomfortable "double-date" where the girls know each other, but you and the other dude have NOTHING in common? These are all easy stand-in spots, because no one really wants you to show up and care... that is not what you are there for.

2. Finishing arguments.

Because what I really need to do in any featured argument between me and My Beautiful Wife is to SHUT. UP. But I don't. And can't. So having the stand-in there to greet her fury with blessed silence instead of having to get the last bloody word in EVERY. TIME. would be of immeasurable value to me.

3. Job interviews.

Interviews are hell specifically because they are so subjective. The actor would be only mildly pre-coached to mix it up and see what happens. This would be one I would want to tape and watch later for football-style instant replay commentaries;

"Well Chuck, it looks like the Suit behind the rich mahogany desk has now asked him the dreaded "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" question!! How do you think this one is going to play out?"

"It could go either way, Bob.  The last time he was asked this question, he professed plans for world domination, which didn't go over well with the charitable organization he was interviewing for!! However, in this case, the Suit behind the desk might actually mistake his idiocy for ambition and "like his moxy", or something similarly ridiculous!"

4. Run-by Fruitings.

 I would pick the targets to make sure they deserve a little mango juice dripping into uncomfortable places, and the stand-in would do the dirty work. (I still like 'Mrs. Doubtfire' after all these years. Sue me.)

5. Standing in line for popcorn at the movie theatre.

Seriously, do I need to explain this?

6. Branding.

I would hand-write a sheet of witticisms that I regularly say (and some that I do not) for the stand-in to insert into conversations. After a time, it would become common knowledge that these are my trademarked phrases, and I could make a mint selling t-shirts with them emblazoned across the average dude's chest.

Well that's it for now. I may continue with this line of thought at a later date. The possibilities are just now truly coming into focus!