Thankfully DOESN'T Do Whatever a Spider Can: A Haiku

Long time no speak!!

So an announcement first:
On advice from counsel, from here on out I will be posting all my band and music-related updates to my brand-spanking-new Whispered Words website!! I have to learn Wordpress now (I JUST loosely figured out Blogger, for crying out loud), but I have been assured by certain parties that it is a life skill that should be learned. I have my doubts.

Recently at work I had one of those "defining moments" that tells you who you are deep down. Here's how it went:

I run a cell phone store for a major national company.

A client came in and asked me if he could get "web" on his phone. I pointed my wrists at his BlackBerry, touched my palms with my middle fingers, and said "thwip thwip".

He didn't get it. I held my peace and laughed uproariously (to myself, tragically, alone) after he was gone. I can't help but feel that was a defining moment somehow.

And now... a haiku.

Good thing you made those
webshooters, as shooting webs
from your butt is gross

...ahTHANK you.


Jared

P.S. That's right, that entire haiku is a weblink. You wanna fight about it?

A Good Song, a GREAT Cause!

 Larry and I just finished recording a Christmas song called Carol for a Child, and after some discussion,have decided that any proceeds from the sale of the single in December should go to Doug and Carolyn Anderson of Saskatoon, SK; their son Micah is very ill right now, and we want to be a blessing to them in this tough time.

Two things, then:
1. Check this article from the local newspaper that talks about what life is like for the Anderson family right now.
2. Go to my Bandcamp page and purchase the song, for whatever amount you feel led! All the proceeds go to the Andersons.

It is a heckuva thing when communities put aside differences and rally together, and not just to "like" cat videos on Youtube.

Until next time,

Jared

Next year: Carol for a Pooch.

Word from the bathroom floor

Earlier today:

I barfed so hard, that in the aftermath, while little cartoon stars were circling my head, I thought I saw Jesus.

I barfed so hard, I considered becoming a football fan.

I barfed so hard, I had a Ren and Stimpy 6-years-past-the-expiry cocktail weenie hallucination.

I barfed so hard, the elderly lady coming out of the adjoining ladies washroom (divided by a solid concrete wall) looked concerned for me as she followed me out of the exit.

I barfed so hard, I began to understand multidimensional String Theory and its practical applications; just for a minute, though.

I barfed so hard that my mobile phone became sentient and self-aware, realized it was worried about me, and tried dialing 911 for help.

I barfed so hard, I started re-thinking my opinion of Tom Cruise's sanity.

I barfed so hard, I started to write my last will and testament, only to realize it was the toilet trying to unduly influence me to name it my sole beneficiary.

I barfed so hard, I briefly entertained the idea of a Mexican holiday.

I barfed so hard, I grew a third kidney.

I barfed so hard, a nearby Labrador retriever nearly went insane from not being able to help. He found a local kid and pushed him down a well so he could rescue him and not feel so overwhelmingly helpless any more.

I barfed so hard that the ship jumped to warp 6.5 and then abruptly stopped inside a nearby nebula, stumping the Romulans and saving the Enterprise so we can conduct repairs to the starboard nacelle!

Seriously. This sucks.

Jared

Location:The bathroom floor, dummy!

Finished product, long overdue!

I decided to hold off last night to give the Saskatchewan Roughriders some respect and time for their Grey Cup win hooliganism, shenanigans, and tomfoolery celebration, but now here it is:

I am not hugely into holiday music, so no one was more surprised than I when I wrote a pretty Christmas song a wee while back, and recently recorded it with Mr. Larry Flowers and my producer, Colin!! And not only did I record it, but I have released it on Bandcamp today to listen to and purchase! Click the "Music" tab on the Whispered Words page, or click the link below to listen, buy, or share! Or all three!!

This is getting Meta

I have been using my email to send myself encouraging letters from the past. 

"Hello future Jared", I say, "what is the future like? Can our cars fly yet? Did the American government ever sort out all their BS? Is it possible that you are now more good-looking than when I sent this letter?"

"Hello, past Jared" I write profoundly, "the auto industry can still barely figure out how not to kill us all on four wheels, so I don't think the flying car is happening soon. As for the US govt; all they know and have been taught about how to run a political system is BS, so they haven't even really considered dropping said BS yet. As for my looks, you of all people should know that it isn't possible to look better than you do now!!"

Oh yeah...That's right. I know how to wear a hat.

Until next time,

Jared

Finally gone off the deep end

Be vewwwwwy, vewwy quiet....

We are hunting wabbits!

The above was so cute I almost died. Beware of googling things like "cute bunnies"... As Admiral Ackbar would say,

Regards,

Jared

Haiku Very Much

Autumn: A Haiku

Such a beautiful

intro to the nut-punch that

is prairie winter

Ah-THANK you.

Jared

P.S. More to come this week.