Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Excuses, Excuses

So I've been gone for a while;

I was out of town.

I was busy saving the local squirrels from their chipmunk oppressors.

I had the measles on just my tongue.

I contracted Spanish Flu in a foreign country that was NOT of Spanish origin.

I was stung by a bee that had rabies, and flown by medevac chopper to a specialist in Dallas, Texas, who pronounced me dead on arrival. I was subsequently resurrected by a voodoo priest who instantly regretted it once I started talking, and dumped me in the swamp; I swam home just now.

I heard someone I know had chicken pox, and seeing as I have never had it, I hid in my basement until yesterday, gradually thawing meat from the freezer, heating it up in the dryer, and eating it a little bit at a time.

I was hypnotized by my iPad into robbing several convenience stores, only to eventually take control of my body again and take so many horrific pictures of Rob Schneider movies that the iPad's camera killed itself to escape the pain. The rest of the iPad soon followed as the Schneider rot overtook it in a gangrenous fashion.

I was spirited away to a movie festival where the star of a little-foreign-film-that-could conscripted me as his bodyguard and had me follow him around a room whilst not wearing normal pants.

I ate a rare african beetle that gave me useless super powers. Hilarity ensued.

I held a pair of scissors at my throat, threatening to cut my beard off... to an empty room. It ended in a stalemate- the empty room's negotiation techniques were not to be underestimated.

I applied a screen protector to my face, and I don't give off as much glare in sunlight anymore. I am also protected from scratches by keys, change, and the like.

I was genuinely frightened to death by a Facebook post about how the world is like, being so screwed up by like, the oil companies, you guys....

I drove to Canmore, Alberta, and acted like a jerk to a duck. (That one's for you, Steven)

I got involved in a high-stakes poker game where underwear was the ONLY currency. Hilarity did not ensue.

I asked a passing stranger if he had seen my mother, and then snuck into his car's trunk when he wasn't looking. After a lengthy nap, I woke up in Iowa. Strangely enough, I had a "CUSTOMS APPROVED" sticker attached to my sleeve when I awoke.

I joined a circus where the people all suffered from social maladies instead of physical ones. Highlights: "The Incredible Flop-Sweat at Birthdays Man", and the "Woman With the High-Pitched Nervous-Sounding Laughter At the Office Party". Also the "Guy Who Really Hated All the Unnecessary Changes Made for the Screen in the Lord Of The Rings Movies". I soon left, because I "Can't Stand Circuses and Fairs and Must Tell Everyone Within Earshot Loudly If The Topic Arises."

I was on vacation.

Until next time,
Here's to you, Big Shooter: