Saturday, 12 April 2014

Three Thousand? Really?

Hello All!

This blog has recently passed three thousand hits, which leads me to believe that there is a conspiracy afoot, as this number of page visits could not possibly have been generated by the small number of family and friends who actually read this little blog when I only semi-occasionally post to it (I am getting better). 

Below, I will list the various possible end games of this insidious conspiracy to make me feel good about myself. Any similarity to a book you have read or a movie you have seen is purely coincidental;

1. This is a plot by small white mice (in reality pan-dimensional alien beings) to discover the answer to Life, The Universe, And Everything. By manipulating the human heart, they will solve the equation of L, TU, and E whilst watching and critiquing my mode of dress and sundry odious personal habits for their enjoyment. (Pan-dimensional alien mice are much cleaner and more judgemental than normal mice)

2. The results of my blog will continue to be artificially inflated by the international Nakatomi Corporation until they reveal their involvement and send me a plane ticket in the mail stating that I have "Won the internet". They will subsequently invite me to their L.A. headquarters to "come out to the coast", "get together", and "have a few laughs"... I take them up on their offer, go about finding the newest carpet I can, and make fists with my toes until a noise outside startles me...

3. The mysterious forces behind my inflated blog visits are trying to lower the self-esteem of EVERY SINGLE BLOGGER on the internet. This gambit will result in lackluster web traffic as the other guys just phone it in, which leads to lackluster real-world sales, which sparks a tiny economic recession in the province where I live (which has proven fairly recession-proof as far as the rest of the world is concerned), and spreads outward at an incredible rate. Somehow, ObamaCare will be blamed. (Seriously, America?)

4. My previous Furby-related post caught the attention of all the wrong people. The Furby Corporation wants me dead, pure and simple. They are inflating the blog's numbers by just a little so as not to make me suspicious, and (hoping that I attribute it to my awesomeness) patiently wait now to see if I spiral into excess and die an appropriately rockstar death.

5. The members of the Barenaked Ladies are checking my site multiple times daily to see if they are mentioned, but I won't give them the satisfaction. That's right, I STRONGLY dislike and stridently avoid your music, you ridiculously named circus act. Chickety-Chinese-Chicken Guy and friends... Get a real job. You're ruining it for actual serious Canadian musicians.





6. There is a good chance that remaining members of the Beatles might be playing the same game as the Barenaked Ladies. I have to logically conclude that they know who I am, because every time The Beatles come up in conversation, I am led to believe by everyone present that I am the ONLY GUY IN THE HISTORY OF THE BLOODY WORLD who doesn't really care for the Beatles or think they are an irreplaceable piece of the world's musical history. If this is true, by logical standards, the living members of the Beatles have all known about me and my not worshipping their entire catalog since I formed this opinion in early junior high. So, to you remaining Beatles I say,
"Move on with your lives. I'm just one guy, and it's not like I HATE your stuff or anything... I'm just not a fan! Also, please ask 98.3fm in Saskatoon to maybe play 'Hey Jude' less than forty times per day, thanks."



Until we meet again,

Jared



P.S. That's right, Barenaked Ladies fans... I went there. If you want to listen to some good music, I am listening to:

Artist: Broken Bells
Album: After The Disco
Danger Mouse (producer extraordinaire) and James Mercer (frontman of The Shins) released their self-titled album a few years ago and sewed up the Best Summer Groove Album category rather quickly. The follow-up "Meyrin Fields EP" took the laid-back grooves and turned them on their head by adding a playful urgency and lively pacing to great effect (The song Windows comes to mind).

This time around, they have made the sound more complex, but kept the magic intact. Not pigeonholed as summer grooves so easily this time, the new album creates a number of different and subtle moods to digest and challenge you, but the pure musicianship present here smooths out any rough edges that could have presented themselves. This one has taken a bit longer to really sink in, and nothing quite hits the magical high of "The Ghost Inside" from their debut album, but a few songs come very close, notably "After the Disco", "Control", and "Holding on for Life". A mellow and slightly sombre vibe comes through, but these guys are talented enough to drop it in and yank it out at will, and with skill enough to make greatness present here. Just start at track 1 and let it play.