Three Thousand? Really?

Hello All!

This blog has recently passed three thousand hits, which leads me to believe that there is a conspiracy afoot, as this number of page visits could not possibly have been generated by the small number of family and friends who actually read this little blog when I only semi-occasionally post to it (I am getting better). 

Below, I will list the various possible end games of this insidious conspiracy to make me feel good about myself. Any similarity to a book you have read or a movie you have seen is purely coincidental;

1. This is a plot by small white mice (in reality pan-dimensional alien beings) to discover the answer to Life, The Universe, And Everything. By manipulating the human heart, they will solve the equation of L, TU, and E whilst watching and critiquing my mode of dress and sundry odious personal habits for their enjoyment. (Pan-dimensional alien mice are much cleaner and more judgemental than normal mice)

2. The results of my blog will continue to be artificially inflated by the international Nakatomi Corporation until they reveal their involvement and send me a plane ticket in the mail stating that I have "Won the internet". They will subsequently invite me to their L.A. headquarters to "come out to the coast", "get together", and "have a few laughs"... I take them up on their offer, go about finding the newest carpet I can, and make fists with my toes until a noise outside startles me...

3. The mysterious forces behind my inflated blog visits are trying to lower the self-esteem of EVERY SINGLE BLOGGER on the internet. This gambit will result in lackluster web traffic as the other guys just phone it in, which leads to lackluster real-world sales, which sparks a tiny economic recession in the province where I live (which has proven fairly recession-proof as far as the rest of the world is concerned), and spreads outward at an incredible rate. Somehow, ObamaCare will be blamed. (Seriously, America?)

4. My previous Furby-related post caught the attention of all the wrong people. The Furby Corporation wants me dead, pure and simple. They are inflating the blog's numbers by just a little so as not to make me suspicious, and (hoping that I attribute it to my awesomeness) patiently wait now to see if I spiral into excess and die an appropriately rockstar death.

5. The members of the Barenaked Ladies are checking my site multiple times daily to see if they are mentioned, but I won't give them the satisfaction. That's right, I STRONGLY dislike and stridently avoid your music, you ridiculously named circus act. Chickety-Chinese-Chicken Guy and friends... Get a real job. You're ruining it for actual serious Canadian musicians.

6. There is a good chance that remaining members of the Beatles might be playing the same game as the Barenaked Ladies. I have to logically conclude that they know who I am, because every time The Beatles come up in conversation, I am led to believe by everyone present that I am the ONLY GUY IN THE HISTORY OF THE BLOODY WORLD who doesn't really care for the Beatles or think they are an irreplaceable piece of the world's musical history. If this is true, by logical standards, the living members of the Beatles have all known about me and my not worshipping their entire catalog since I formed this opinion in early junior high. So, to you remaining Beatles I say,

"Move on with your lives. I'm just one guy, and it's not like I HATE your stuff or anything... I'm just not a fan! Also, please ask 98.3fm in Saskatoon to maybe play 'Hey Jude' less than forty times per day, thanks."

Until we meet again,

Jared

P.S. That's right, Barenaked Ladies fans... I went there. If you want to listen to some good music, I am listening to:

Artist: Broken Bells
Album: After The Disco
Danger Mouse (producer extraordinaire) and James Mercer (frontman of The Shins) released their self-titled album a few years ago and sewed up the Best Summer Groove Album category rather quickly. The follow-up "Meyrin Fields EP" took the laid-back grooves and turned them on their head by adding a playful urgency and lively pacing to great effect (The song Windows comes to mind).

This time around, they have made the sound more complex, but kept the magic intact. Not pigeonholed as summer grooves so easily this time, the new album creates a number of different and subtle moods to digest and challenge you, but the pure musicianship present here smooths out any rough edges that could have presented themselves. This one has taken a bit longer to really sink in, and nothing quite hits the magical high of "The Ghost Inside" from their debut album, but a few songs come very close, notably "After the Disco", "Control", and "Holding on for Life". A mellow and slightly sombre vibe comes through, but these guys are talented enough to drop it in and yank it out at will, and with skill enough to make greatness present here. Just start at track 1 and let it play.

Three completely unrelated things

So here are three completely unrelated things that I want to talk about (which is really the only qualifier for what goes on here) :

1. I just saw Captain America: The Winter Soldier. It was genuinely fantastic! I pretty much just bold-faced lied to My Beautiful Wife for the last week about how confident I was regarding what kind of film it was going to be (I sold it as a "great Bourne-style spy movie that just happens to involve Captain America and the Black Widow" ), and as chance would have it, the universe made me whatever the opposite is of a liar. I think. I may be oversimplifying.

2. I knew that someday it would come... A smaller, spunkier, sleeker model of high-velocity air hand drier. Not only does this thing take up half the space of the XLERATOR-brand hand drier that I wrote a haiku about all those months ago, it has a bold Iron Man-style triangle that turns from red to green when you put your hands under it... And it shines a blue LED light down onto your hands as you are drying!!! I cannot express how much I MUST PURCHASE STOCK IN THIS COMPANY. I HAVE INCLUDED A PICTUR- oh, sorry- I have included a picture of this marvel of modern air movement technology for your enjoyment.

Look at that. A little part of my brain just went "Sqeeeee!!" with delight.

3. I have decided that this blog needs to go back to one post a week. I miss it, and the creative outlet keeps me sane. I will henceforth be publishing new blog posts weekly, rain or shine. 

Unless I don't. 

...Don't tell me what to do!! 

...Nobody puts Baby in a corner!!!

Currently listening to:
audiobook: New Spring; written by Robert Jordan, and read by Michael Kramer and Kate Redding.

Also, listening to the entire NEEDTOBREATHE catalogue on random. I like listening through an entire CD to hear the story the band wanted to tell, but sometimes I like to skip ahead. Sue me.

Here is the song of theirs that I am currently a little obsessed with! Give it a listen if you like, y'now, GOOD things. If you don't like good things, well... I dunno. Just dig out your old Nickelback albums, I guess.

Until next time,

Jared

A little help from the fanbase...

Perhaps because she knew that I am a creative dry well right now (I'm using it all up in the final stretch to finish my album), my sister sent me a photo and asked me to caption it. I will welcome feedback and additional caption suggestions in the comments section, but here's what I have so far:

"Even teddy bears get the blues" (that one was my sister's)

My entries: 

"Apparently, Randall never got the hang of hibernation"

"In retrospect, I might have thought better of this when I saw the bees had a weight room in there"

"Well this is embarrassing. I assume that real bears don't get hung up on a seam this easily"

That's the best I have for now! But I will leave the caption contest open for any who want to try. I will award a prize, but the prize will be worthless, and I get to decide if your entry is funnier or more apropos than mine. 

I probably should have written a bittersweet haiku about childhood's fleeting innocence, but those are the WORST.

Until next time,

Jared

Thankfully DOESN'T Do Whatever a Spider Can: A Haiku

Long time no speak!!

So an announcement first:
On advice from counsel, from here on out I will be posting all my band and music-related updates to my brand-spanking-new Whispered Words website!! I have to learn Wordpress now (I JUST loosely figured out Blogger, for crying out loud), but I have been assured by certain parties that it is a life skill that should be learned. I have my doubts.

Recently at work I had one of those "defining moments" that tells you who you are deep down. Here's how it went:

I run a cell phone store for a major national company.

A client came in and asked me if he could get "web" on his phone. I pointed my wrists at his BlackBerry, touched my palms with my middle fingers, and said "thwip thwip".

He didn't get it. I held my peace and laughed uproariously (to myself, tragically, alone) after he was gone. I can't help but feel that was a defining moment somehow.

And now... a haiku.

Good thing you made those
webshooters, as shooting webs
from your butt is gross

...ahTHANK you.


Jared

P.S. That's right, that entire haiku is a weblink. You wanna fight about it?

A Good Song, a GREAT Cause!

 Larry and I just finished recording a Christmas song called Carol for a Child, and after some discussion,have decided that any proceeds from the sale of the single in December should go to Doug and Carolyn Anderson of Saskatoon, SK; their son Micah is very ill right now, and we want to be a blessing to them in this tough time.

Two things, then:
1. Check this article from the local newspaper that talks about what life is like for the Anderson family right now.
2. Go to my Bandcamp page and purchase the song, for whatever amount you feel led! All the proceeds go to the Andersons.

It is a heckuva thing when communities put aside differences and rally together, and not just to "like" cat videos on Youtube.

Until next time,

Jared

Next year: Carol for a Pooch.

Word from the bathroom floor

Earlier today:

I barfed so hard, that in the aftermath, while little cartoon stars were circling my head, I thought I saw Jesus.

I barfed so hard, I considered becoming a football fan.

I barfed so hard, I had a Ren and Stimpy 6-years-past-the-expiry cocktail weenie hallucination.

I barfed so hard, the elderly lady coming out of the adjoining ladies washroom (divided by a solid concrete wall) looked concerned for me as she followed me out of the exit.

I barfed so hard, I began to understand multidimensional String Theory and its practical applications; just for a minute, though.

I barfed so hard that my mobile phone became sentient and self-aware, realized it was worried about me, and tried dialing 911 for help.

I barfed so hard, I started re-thinking my opinion of Tom Cruise's sanity.

I barfed so hard, I started to write my last will and testament, only to realize it was the toilet trying to unduly influence me to name it my sole beneficiary.

I barfed so hard, I briefly entertained the idea of a Mexican holiday.

I barfed so hard, I grew a third kidney.

I barfed so hard, a nearby Labrador retriever nearly went insane from not being able to help. He found a local kid and pushed him down a well so he could rescue him and not feel so overwhelmingly helpless any more.

I barfed so hard that the ship jumped to warp 6.5 and then abruptly stopped inside a nearby nebula, stumping the Romulans and saving the Enterprise so we can conduct repairs to the starboard nacelle!

Seriously. This sucks.

Jared

Location:The bathroom floor, dummy!

Finished product, long overdue!

I decided to hold off last night to give the Saskatchewan Roughriders some respect and time for their Grey Cup win hooliganism, shenanigans, and tomfoolery celebration, but now here it is:

I am not hugely into holiday music, so no one was more surprised than I when I wrote a pretty Christmas song a wee while back, and recently recorded it with Mr. Larry Flowers and my producer, Colin!! And not only did I record it, but I have released it on Bandcamp today to listen to and purchase! Click the "Music" tab on the Whispered Words page, or click the link below to listen, buy, or share! Or all three!!